2023, D&D, and me

I expected a few things at the beginning of 2023 - continuing my counselling training, seeking another job to support that, and nice plans with friends. Some things happened according to plan, some things didn't go to plan at all, but some of the nicest things were those which I hadn't planned.

Early 2023

In March, my unhappiness in my job at the time peaked - while I felt safe in some ways, I didn't feel able to carry on. I didn't feel capable of enjoying myself, taking care of myself, or doing the things I have to do to live. After a particularly sleepless night, I woke up in the morning, got dressed and then called Samaritans. I spoke to a nice chap, who helped me realise that I needed to get signed off with stress (a conclusion I wouldn't have reached without an impartial and compassionate ear).

Things moved quickly - I spent some time taking care of myself (including an afternoon sitting with the squirrels of Museum Gardens), interviewed for a new role elsewhere (and was lucky enough to land it very swiftly) and reflected on my needs. What I need as a person, what I need at work, and what I needed to move forwards.

A particularly round squirrel, eating from his hands in the branch of a tree - picture taken in York's Museum Gardens

Party invite

It was around this time that a couple of friends reached out - I'm not sure if they knew it was a tricky time for me, or if it was just chance, but it doesn't really matter. They were starting a Dungeons and Dragons 'campaign' and had a seat open in the 'party'. Having spent years as someone who was often assumed to be a D&Der but not having stumbled into the opportunity to try it, I cautiously welcomed this offer.

Soon enough I joined for my first sessions and it was an adjustment for me, initially needing a bit of wine to get past an internal cringe about doing it. While I would never judge anyone for playing it, there was a part of me that was quite unkind to myself about my trying it. Reflection with my counselling peers has helped me realise that 'part of me' was actually some conditions of worth from those who bullied me at school. It was a helpful reminder that while I've consciously rejected those conditions in more recent years, the work of understanding and accepting myself will never end. That said, realising that part of me for what it was helped me embrace the game more.

Something that did help was the people - two of the group I'm familiar with as we're involved in GoodGym York together, and all of the group were funny, kind, and patient. Something I've come to appreciate more is that these groups and spaces often are welcoming (which I worried might not be the case), and that the hard work is often just those first steps into them.

My experience of the game

In March or April, I created my first-ever tabletop character. I thought I might feel less 'cringe' if I created a fairly tropey character, which led me to create Enfys Shane - a half-elf lowlife who had used her skills with the bow to become a mercenary.

Various factors, including some family drama, led to her joining the party of adventurers who went on to be known as Exchange of Gloom, and her pet mouse Brian being thrust into an unexpected role. As I grew more comfortable with the game and the character, interesting changes (such as realising Enfys was actually he/him, and how a near-death encounter helped him realise it's sometimes better to say what he's thinking) occurred and I decided to get more into it.

Why does the game resonate with me?

I've long enjoyed 'shared silliness' - when people come together, and create something using each of their imaginations. Sometimes this is just an in-joke with friends, sometimes it's a party game. I find this fun, inclusive, and feels democratic - when done well. What Dungeons and Dragons offers is the tools to do this within a framework, yet leaving room for chance, personal touches, and any player or party to play in their own way. In more recent years, the D&D community have also embraced inclusion and safety and shared tools to help facilitate these in any game. Being able to play so imaginatively, but with the context of a shared world and the safety of agreed boundaries, is something I thought only existed in improv (another 'not tried it, but open to it one day!' thing for me).

In my own shambolic way, I like 'offered' structures - not the structures that are thrust upon us and deprive us of agency, but ones we can choose to use or employ to achieve positive outcomes. Anyone who has worked with me will know that I love a slightly overengineered spreadsheet, and something about D&D scratches that part of my brain. I wouldn't simply imagine a Mountain-Dwarf Warlock, but I would use shared tools (of only moderate complexity) to help me create one which was consistent with the world they lived in. This helps flesh out my understanding of characters and the world they inhabit, and leaves plenty of room for experimentation.

As I explore myself and how I relate to the world in my counselling training, playing imaginatively has helped me imagine and engage with more experiences and ideas than I would naturally encounter in real life. By exploring things, however familiar, both through my own frame of reference and some more fantastical alternatives, I think I'm learning a bit more about myself. There's also a degree of - sometimes it's nice to put 'me' in the backseat and be someone else for an evening! (Point to consider in my private journalling - is 'someone else' just another facet of me I might benefit from acknowledging?)

Now

I'm about 9 months into playing with Exchange of Gloom, and we've agreed to keep that going since we're all enjoying it. I've also recently started my first campaign as a DM (Dungeon Master) - formed of really nice people I know in my neighbourhood, and which is helping rebuild some of my confidence in facilitating group interactions. This group has had a strong start, and I'm excited to see where they go, and also just glad to see people I enjoy having a good time.

I've invested in some kit (though most of it isn't needed for getting started), explored the wider world of D&D, and am thinking about using DMing to help me do some charity fundraising. It's taken up a bit more money and a lot more time than I initially thought it might, but that's been my choice every step of the way.

It's not perfect, and it's not for everyone, but in 2023 I've found it really cathartic and it's helped me be me.

If anyone is interested in giving it a try, let me know - I'm thinking about running some online introductory games in the coming months, and you'd be welcome to get started with me.